You know the moment. Everyone was enjoying the family potluck — the familiar comfort of shared history, the aroma of home-cooked casseroles — and then Uncle Bob says, “Can you believe what those idiots are doing at (insert name of organization or government body)?” Lines are drawn as the bait is too easily taken by both sides. The gathering goes from gracious to grueling as meaningful conversation is trumped by incivility.

Or perhaps you’re in that other kind of family. These families scrupulously avoid controversy, following the conventional wisdom: “Don’t talk about politics and religion.” If someone veers dangerously close to such untouchable subjects, Grandma shrills, “Did you see the pictures from our trip west?” As the photos are circulated everyone breathes a sigh of relief, happy to trade the discomfort of challenging dialogue for family harmony.

These scenarios, present in organizations and communities as well as families, do not provide the critical space we need to sift through complex options and discover nuanced solutions for our life in community with each other. We cannot hide in the spurious safety of silence. This preserves a superficial peace that confounds both individual and relational growth. Nor can we give in to public coarseness and name-calling. This pits people — not ideas — against each other in a struggle for power rather than a constructive exchange of ideas.

Creating any healthy system requires that we not only exchange these ideas, but test them. Pauline Yu, president of the American Council of Learned Societies, said, “We respect our fellows’ arguments not just for their content but for how they may dis-content us, for the opportunity to contest them and the mutual belief that the contestation is a value.”

Respect, willingness to be “dis-contented,” valuing the contest — these are vital components in the practice of civility. The Institute for Civility in Government says “Civility fosters a deep self-awareness, even as it is characterized by true respect for others. Civility requires . . . staying present even with those with whom we have deep-rooted and perhaps fierce disagreements. It is about constantly being open to hear, to learn, to teach and to change. It seeks common ground as a beginning point for dialogue when differences occur, while at the same time recognizes that differences are enriching.”

Unfortunately, much of our culture is too eager for the unbridled, one-way (and frequently anonymous) confrontation that discounts differences. Call-in programs, blog comments and social media networks often provide a place for invective rather than reflection.

My question is: What are you going to do to stop the degeneration of public discourse? What will you do for your family, congregation, organization or community to move away from this preoccupation with one-dimensional opinions toward a culture that values the considered wisdom of the collective? Let me suggest the following:

Learn about and practice civility. First and foremost, resist the urge to rant. Second, learn more. A quick word search in the public library catalog reveals thousands of choices.

Bring the art of civic reflection to your community group. Visit www.civicreflection.org for tools for leading and facilitating effective civic exchanges.

Get involved in conversations that matter. One way to do this is to visit www.spiritandplace.org. During the November Spirit&Place Festival, 40 programs will offer a window to new ideas and creative approaches around the theme “Inspiring Places.” Spirit&Place provides a platform where diversity, reflection and conversation come together to imagine new possibilities.