When I think of how I felt on the Master Cleanse (that’s right, “felt” – I gave up), I can’t think of any worse experience in my life. Not one.

There was the time I broke my ankle and had to have a steel plate with eight screws installed in my shin. And there was the time my history teacher made me cry, even though I was in ninth grade.

But the Master Cleanse takes (“took”) the cake.

It was unbearable. I went without any food from dinner on Sunday night through to late afternoon on Thursday. I had to pound salt water daily, forcing it down my throat despite the gag. I sipped laxative tea every night before bed. And all I was allowed to consume was a loathesome mix of water, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper.

I did it to see what fasting would be like and what results it might produce. It “produced” an angry, skittish, discombobulated, hungry weakling. I also lost 5 pounds, although I’m sure I’ll stack that back on quickly.

It was strange. As horrible as the experience was, as vile as that mixture tasted, like a smoker trying to wean himself off the nicotine I couldn’t quit without help. I needed to be assured that it was OK to give up.

I knew it would come to this eventually. I knew I couldn’t back out without some sort of tacit approval. I prepped by boss in advance, telling her I might quit by day three if the experiment was too awful. I held onto the urgings of colleagues and friends who told me it was dumb idea to begin with, that it would be more than unpleasant but actually unhealthy. I let me wife know exactly how the process felt, how unbearable it was for a person like me to go without food. In the end though, I needed absolution from the master, the one person I know will always provide me the advice I want, whenever I want it: Mum.

Mum has always helped me take the easy way out, although only when the easy way is also the wise way. I called her when I wanted to quit studying psychology. Some people might have urged me to push through and complete the course, but what would that have done but keep me in a field for which I was not suited? No, Mumsy told me to pack my things and come home.

I called her a couple of nights ago to tell her what I was doing, because I knew she would horrified by the plan. I knew she would advise me to come off it right away. She ordered me off the plan right then, and I complied.

On Thursday, after 90 hours without a bite to eat, I slowly destroyed two bean burritos from Taco Bell, then washed it down with a fruit smoothie. I know it wasn’t wise to break the fast that way, but I figured the rules about “easing out” of the Master Cleanse through days filled with fruit juice and raw vegetables are more applicable for folks who last the full 10 days, for folks who are also attempting to truly change their lifestyle. I, on the other hand, was after an experience.

Boy did I get one.