Thank You Captain Morgan: Hannah Montana 3-D

Sewer_Harpy

February 08, 2008 by Sewer_Harpy

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"One adult and one child for the Hannah Montana matinee please."

"That'll be thirty dollars sir." the acne ridden dweeb behind the glass said.

I looked behind me to see if there were 6-8 other children this idiot assumed were mine but saw no one.

"I'm sorry" I said, "ONE Adult, and ONE Child" I repeated.

"I know sir. All tickets are fifteen dollars each"

Okay. a) Don't call me sir. I feel old enough taking a 6 year old to this effing movie to begin with, and b) WTF? Thirty bucks to see some trollop sing the same songs I have to hear 23 hours a day at home for free on the Disney Channel?

So I paid my thirty bones because I love my daughter like that, and asked acne-boy if the thirty dollars included a voucher to at least get a reacharound from good ol' Hannah on the day she turns 18? He just kind of gave me an odd look which screamed "Look you cheap-I-assume-you-are-unemployed-because-you-are-at-a-matinee-on-a-Thursday-f&*k, you are holding up the line". And to add insult to injury, I spent the entire preview section before the movie concocting a completely ridiculous, yet plausible story for my daughter about what a "reacharound" is.

Anyhoo,

Slipping my airplane bottle of Capt. Morgan into my Coke, loading my daughter up on Sour Patch Kids and popcorn, I looked around to see if every other father in there had the same look of "Oh God, please don't let me see anyone I know here.", until I noticed I was one of only two Dads in the whole, entirely filled theatre, and he did have the same look, but at least I had rum.

Then, all hell broke loose. The minute the show of 85 minutes of concert footage started, the entire audience of 90% prepubescent girls went bat-shat crazy. Pop corn and 3-D glasses went flying as these kids were dancing in the aisles and shrieking so loud that only dogs could hear them. At this time, I did what any other loving and responsible father would do, and added another bottle of C-Mo to my Coke.

I will say, however, that the production of this film(?) was amazing. It's not the rinky-dink 3-D we 30 somethings are used to from such Oscar robbed films like Jaws 3-D, or Friday the 13th 3-D, where occasionally something looked like it might have came off the screen if you squinted hard enough. This truly made it feel like you were THERE. I even caught myself trying to wrap my hands around Miley-Hannahs neck to get her to shut-up before I realized it was only a movie.

On a side note, one of the pre-show previews which were also in 3-D, was for the U2-3D concert film that was just released. That looked effin' AMAZING. I'm not the hugest U2 fan, but I will definitely be checking this film out next.

Sooooo....Scoreboard....

My daughter thinks I am the greatest Dad EVER, and I got to have a couple rum and cokes and watch her as happy as I'd ever seen her. THAT...Miss Montana, is the real meaning of "The best of both worlds"....

s.h.

Forum: Movies

Tags: 

Concerts, movies, Hannah Montana, 3-D, hot minors, eggs benedict.

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15 comments

DmAc
DmAc, February 8, 2008
0 votes

That sounds like the most amazing day ever!! 15 bucks a tickets blows my mind, but I'm actually surprised that a regular movie isn't that expensive yet. The reach-around comment made me laugh my a$$ off! Hilarious!

I have heard really good things about the U2 movie. I need to check it out too.

Hannah_Montana
Hannah_Montana, February 8, 2008
0 votes

HILARIOUS!!!

Sewer_Harpy
Sewer_Harpy, February 8, 2008
0 votes

Thank you Hannah and Kate?

mary.garrison
mary.garrison, February 8, 2008
0 votes

I LOVE LOVE LOVE this story of yours. It's likely made my day.

Miley_Cyrus
Miley_Cyrus, February 8, 2008
0 votes

How can I ever repay you...

caralyn
caralyn, February 8, 2008
0 votes

all right...despite my desire to never ever have to see this movie ever...the review was spot on. well played.

Sewer_Harpy
Sewer_Harpy, February 8, 2008
0 votes

I thought I covered that...

joe.shearer
joe.shearer, February 8, 2008
0 votes

Well played, sir. Luckily for me, my daughter is 6 months old and not ready for such a feature.

Unluckily for me, there will likely be some equivalent of this in the next 10 years or so. Probably a new one each year between the years 2014 (when she will be 7 years old) until 2022 (when she'll be 15).

Braden
Braden, February 8, 2008
0 votes

The beauty of having boys. While you have to sit through 3D popvomit, I'm taking my boy to the roller derby bout. Life's not fair.

Sewer_Harpy
Sewer_Harpy, February 8, 2008
0 votes

Hey...Liberace was a kid once...

Hannah_Montana
Hannah_Montana, February 10, 2008
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Even hungover this still makes me laugh my arse off.

she.does.hair
she.does.hair, February 10, 2008
0 votes

My dad suffered through many a helatious matinee when I was a kid! But I give him 100% credit for why I fell in love with the movies. Thanks Dad.

MoviesandMusicFan
MoviesandMusicFan, February 10, 2008
0 votes

S H, who ever you are? Your example to your 6 year daughter of drinking alcohol at a public movie is inexcusable. You should of been escorted out of the theater and quite possibly should of been required to take a public intoxication test, and if you failed... spend some time in jail perhaps because you were over the limit, or heaven forbid in an accident on the way home for DUI.

You do not like the artist or movie and that is fine. I suggest your language calling it "effing" this and that to a kid working on the friday, (When it seems you have no job so you go to the matine. Really, do you have no respect for working people?)

Your lack of respect for other people and your wife in your marriage appears to mean nothing. You think talking about a reach around at 30 something to a kid at 6, and the movie ticket agent is acceptable. It is not! I wonder when your own daughter is 18, how you will feel about a creepy 30 something year old guy wanting to "reach around" her as well?

I doubt your wife would put up with such a comment in person, it is a shame even more your daughter has to hear her dad be so sex crazy he can't contain his own dirty adult thoughts, and embarrass her in the process.

I suggest you let your kid enjoy her innocence. You seem to think teaching her about drinking and reach a rounds at 6 years old is appropriate. Your sick and you need help!

Your not a good role model and I suggest your wife, who probably would be sober, take and enjoy the movies with your daughter next time.

Sewer_Harpy
Sewer_Harpy, February 10, 2008
0 votes

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! (big breath) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Shimmercore
Shimmercore, February 12, 2008
0 votes

Great story. I actually would rather see the Hannah Montana 3D movie in protest against Douche-2 in 3D.

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