These may be lean times, but that doesn’t mean we’re not feeling fat. So Indy.com got off the couch to declutter our colons, shrink our abs, shake our hips and hurl medicine balls— all in the name of spring fitness.

Konrad Marshall: The Master Cleanse

Mission: Last a week without eating anything, drinking only a mixture of water, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. Also, “flush” my system by drinking laxative tea and pounding a jug of salt water daily.

Motivation: As a huge fan of food and a guy who generally fails to control portions, I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of fasting. So I wanted to see how long I could hold out, and was also happy to shed pounds along the way.

When I felt like giving up, I … Kept going for a few more days. Truly, I felt like giving up the moment I started, but I lasted 90 hours (almost four days). In the end, I messaged co-workers, spoke to my wife and called my mum, seeking permission to quit.

The worst part: Hunger that nags at you every 10 minutes, general weakness, mood swings, the foul taste of the mixture itself, drinking those jugs of tepid salt water, and, last but not least, four days of pure liquid bowel movements.

The best part: Coming off the diet. I was warned about “easing out” of The Master Cleanse by drinking lots of juice and eating raw vegetables. But in the 8 hours after I quit, I consumed two burritos, two beers and french fries.

This diet is best suited to: Keen masochists.

Results: I lost five pounds, but because my heart was never really into changing my eating habits in any permanent way, I got right back into eating badly. I regret nothing!

Advice to anyone else considering this diet: Don’t. Beyonce Knowles may be a fan (she lost weight on the Master Cleanse before her role in “Dreamgirls”) but that doesn’t make it fun, sensible, easy or good for you.

Konrad’s blog excerpts
Cranky is not the word. Cranky doesn’t cut it. I am a cauldron of rage. I kept reading that “irritability” would be one of the side effects of this “diet” … but I had no idea my nerves would be so frayed.

Read the five-day Master Cleanse blog at http://fitness.indy.com/groups/f...

Neal Taflinger: CrossFit

Mission: To push through a high-intensity blend of gymnastics, Olympic weightlifting and middle-distance cardiovascular conditioning. It’s more extreme than motocross and energy drinks combined.

Motivation: To show up the wusses at Indy.com.

When I felt like giving up, I … Kept going. The most important lesson you can learn in CrossFit is: Don’t stop moving. You think you can’t go on, but you can. I just tell myself that when sharks stop moving, they die.

The worst part: Being completely wasted a third of the way into the workout and having to fight my brain the rest of the way through.

The best part: Knowing that you’re doing something that most people are either unable or unwilling to do.

This program is best suited to: People who understand that success usually comes at the end of a long period of discomfort, who hate mediocrity, who want to suck the marrow out of life.

Results: Intangible. But based on my experience and anecdotal evidence, CrossFit is not for people who want bikini bodies — you will lose weight, but only after gaining strength and muscle mass.

Advice to anyone else considering this exercise program: Do it. When the average person tells you you’re crazy, you know you’re on to something.

Neal’s blog excerpts

Today’s Workout of the Day, or WOD in CrossFit jargon, consisted of:

12 deadlifts (pick up a weight from the floor and stand up)

9 power hang cleans (pulling the bar up to the chin from hanging arm position)

6 push jerks (think military press but more explosive)

I racked up 135 pounds on a bar, and the workout looked manageable. Except for the fact that I had to do five rounds of it. …

Three days in, I feel like I am starting to get my legs under me, and today in particular I felt strong like a bull. Maybe a small bull but a bull nonetheless.

Read the five-day CrossFit blog and watch a video of the workout at http://fitness.indy.com/groups/f...

Jenny Elig: ‘Bollywood Burn’

Mission: To get a good cardio workout and lose a bajillion pounds. Oh, and to set realistic goals for workouts.

Motivation: I’d done Hemalayaa’s “Bollywood Burn” once about a year ago. I liked the DVD pretty well, but then I had to return it to the library. Why not brush away those Bollywood cobwebs and learn some new steps? I’ve had a little bit of belly dancing experience — so how different could Bollywood be? Answer: A lot.

When I felt like giving up, I … Remembered I had to do this for my job. You’ll be surprised how much power an editor has over your brain when you’re bouncing up and down in your living room like a madwoman at 10 p.m. Oh, and after all that, I felt a lot better — mentally — at the end of the workout. I also felt a little tricked into enjoying a workout.

The worst part: The jumping up and down. Repeatedly. The sweating — oh, the sweating — and then imagining doing these moves in India’s heat.

The best part: Because it’s fairly high-impact, you get a mind-cleansing workout in as little as 15 minutes. That’s nothing to sneeze at when you’re continuously stressed out in your daily life.

This workout is best suited to: Someone who doesn’t have a downstairs neighbor and has lots of room to bounce around (I don’t). Honest, I think my neighbor is going to punch me when she sees me. I do not hop lightly.

Results: I was able to breathe a little easier by the last session. My legs got tighter and I felt a lot more even-keeled during the day, which is a nice trade-off for 15 minutes of dancing.

Advice to anyone else considering this exercise program: Take it as fast or as slow as you want. Also, just have fun with it and be ready to move some furniture to make room.

Jenny’s blog excerpts

Each astrological sign of the zodiac has a point of the body associated with it. For Taurus, it’s the throat. For Pisces, the feet. For Sagittarius, it’s the thighs. For Britney, Tyra Banks, Margaret Mead, Winston Churchill and me — it’s all about the thighs.

Which is why I’m happy to report that by Day 4 of Hemalayaa’s “Bollywood Burn,” my thighs are feeling pretty tight. Well played, Hemalayaa. I am going to count you as my new pal and keep working along with you and your wind-fan hair.

Read the five-day Bollywood Dance blog at http://fitness.indy.com/groups/f...

Amanda Kingsbury: The Flat Belly Diet

Mission: Follow the strict “Anti-Bloat Jumpstart Menu” (lean protein, fruits/vegetables, cheese, brown rice, water) for four days and the official Flat Belly Diet for three. The diet includes four, 400-calorie meals a day, and each one includes a “MUFA” serving (monounsaturated fat — the heart-friendly kind), such as almonds, flaxseed oil, even dark chocolate.

Motivation: I’ve hated my belly since I was 12.

When I felt like giving up, I … chewed pack after pack of sugarless gum. Whined. Pinched the excess flesh on my abs until I felt properly deflated.

The worst part: Getting busted while trying to sneak a handful of Colossol Berry Crunch at 11 p.m., after I thought my husband had gone to bed. And while not exactly a starvation plan, those four, 400-cal meals are like Chinese food — you’re hungry after 30 minutes.

The best part: The recipes in the “Flat Belly Diet” book aren’t boring — think Chicken With Banana Chutney Topping or Mini Sweet Potato Casseroles.

This diet is best suited to: People who have no problem giving up booze for 28 days.

Results: Psychologically, at least, I felt like I was taking up less space.

Advice to anyone else considering this diet: For a diet plan, it’s flexible — but costly and a lot of work. As with any buzzed-about program, the inspiration wears off quickly.

Amanda’s blog excerpts

Yes, I do need to lose about 10 pounds. Yes, extra ab fat is NOT good for your heart, and heart disease runs in my family. But diets piss me off. I’d rather exercise like a fiend and have the Truffle Blizzard while watching “30 Rock.”

— Read the five-day Flat Belly Diet blog at http://fitness.indy.com/groups/f...

Amy Bartner: Wii Fit

Mission: Stay interested in anything fitness-related for more than one workout.

Motivation: The Wii told me that fitness-wise, I am 38 years old and wobbly (I am 26). I had been warned about how belittling the thing could be, so I had braced myself. That’s not to say I didn’t later cry in a fit of low-body-esteem issues.

When I felt like giving up, I … didn’t. In fact, I had to make myself stop playing the hula-hoop game one night because my hips starting aching so much. Every time I sat down after that, I thought I heard my mom’s bones cracking. Next thing you know, I’ll be eating kasha and saying, “Oy vey ismir” when something goes awry.

The worst part: Making myself stop competing with myself. I just kept thinking “Come on, loser, you can get a higher score! Hit more balls with your head!”

The best part: Watching my cat get freaked out as she looked up at me, wondering what I was doing. Her constant “WTF?” face was so, so worth it.

This exercise program is best suited to: The shy but easily entertained person who wants to set her own personal goals, without having to go to the gym and watch all those real athletes get their swell on, or whatever it is that they do.

Results: Wait, was I doing this for results? I thought I was just playing a game.

Amy’s blog excerpts

I start with a bunch of tests to figure out my “Wii Fit age.” They test my body-mass index (20.35, according to the Wii Fit. That’s “normal”), then my balance. I feel like I’ve got some pretty good balance, but yet again, I was wrong. Finally, my Wii Fit age: 38.

Wait, what? 38?? Seriously? Yeah, you don’t know ANYTHING, you stupid machine. Um … yeah, so, I’m not going to pretend like I didn’t yell that same sentence at my TV.

So I decide to cheat and try it again. I couldn’t handle the Wii Fit telling me I was 12 years older than I actually was. Plus, I didn’t know what I was doing the first time. That’s my excuse. At any rate, the second time got me a 28. I’ll take it.

Read the five-day Wii Fit bog at http://fitness.indy.com/groups/f...