I watched this documentary-style girlie show on TLC last night called I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant! It was made up of three true stories — complete with cheesy reenactments — about three utterly clueless women who obviously hadn’t paid attention during the sex ed portion of health class when they were in school. I won’t bore you with a retelling of the whole show. Instead I’ll give you the best story of the three. Best as in, how could anyone be THAT stupid?

Utterly Clueless Woman (UCW) #1: And I just thought I had to take a crap!

The first story involved a married woman who had been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian disease as a teenager. Women with POD oftentimes have difficulty conceiving as the disease causes the body to basically destroy its own eggs. The disease also tends to occur in women who are overweight.

Anywho, this woman was told that it would be incredibly unlikely (not IMPOSSIBLE) that she would ever bear children. Yet, somehow in her mind this became, “I’m obviously sterile and even though I menstruate, my future hubby and I don’t need to use birth control, ever.”

So UCW gets married to an utterly clueless dude and, at the age of 35, loses her job and spends her time eating lots of ice cream, watching Oprah and being depressed. (Too bad she never saw I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.) She and her husband also did the nasty a whole lot more than before.

After a while, she started exhibiting symptoms like weight gain, mood swings, indigestion, cramping and movements in her abdomen. I don’t know about you other gals in Indy.com land, but to me these are pretty indicative of one thing that no woman wants to happen by surprise. However, UCW and her UCD thought she was just getting fat from eating ice cream, moody from being depressed about her job and REALLY, REALLY gassy.

Now, I talked to my mom about this because I’ve never been pregnant and needed a reliable opinion. She swears that there is no way a woman of reasonable intelligence would ever mistake the movement of a growing fetus in the womb for “I guess I shouldn’t keep eating Taco Bell for dinner every night …”

But poor, dimwitted UCW and her husband never even thought about the possibility that maybe, just maybe there might have been a bun in that oven, even once she started having labor pains at close to nine months after all the weird stuff started.

This is where I started to get angry. Apparently there’s something in the water wherever these people live because once ol’ girl started having contractions, they did go to the hospital. But because the doctor knew of her medical history of POD, he never suspected she might be pregnant and DIDN’T TEST HER! They examined her otherwise and determined that she had some kind of mysterious muscle cramping. They gave her meds and sent her home. My god.

The next day her pain was much worse, so she and hubby went to their chiropractor. The chiropractor was equally idiotic and told her she needed an adjustment and probably had a bowel obstruction. This was supported by UCW telling him she hadn’t pooed in several days. He went to work on her but at no time was puzzled by the thumps and swishes in her belly. He also suggested she get an enema.

When dumb and dumber got home later that night, the hubby gave the unsuspecting mom-to-be an enema (thankfully not reenacted) and they went to bed.

UCW wakes up suddenly in the middle of the night with an urge that she misinterprets as needing to go number two. Not exactly. She goes to the potty, starts to push and then — sweet relief! But the moron STILL doesn’t get what’s going on until she hears crying coming from the toilet bowl. “What’s that sound?” she asked. And then, oh wow, there’s a baby in the toilet! Oh, wow! I wasn’t constipated after all, I was pregnant!

This is the kind of story that almost makes me wish that people had to pass an aptitude test before they could procreate.