The woman sitting in front of me, the one with the dirty blond hair and the sleeveless T-shirt, has bigger muscles than me — and she’s not even flexing. She’s sweating through her leathery tan, but that’s understandable. She just bench-pressed 180 pounds.

I’m a little afraid of this woman, this tailback, this free safety and former tight end. Because last time I checked, this dough-bellied writer could only bench 90.

If this tackling machine, this finely tuned athlete, wanted to take me down, she could cause me serious pain. April Priest, the gum-chewing owner of the women’s football team known as the Indiana Speed, last year laid 12 tackles in one game alone.

“I like to line up on somebody,” Priest said, eyes widening. “On more than one occasion, I’ve seen someone out of the game. I’m not trying to hurt anyone, but it’s nice.”

A physical therapist by trade, Priest knows pain from all angles — to receive, treat and inflict. She tore her ACL last year. There was that “tib-fib” fracture, too. And she broke her hand when it hit someone’s helmet in a nasty “boxer’s fracture.” She has metal pins in that hand, like the Terminator.

But hang on a second. I have a steel plate and screws in my ankle, from my own ancient football injury — a vicious 9-inch spiral fracture. The scar runs deep, from my left foot to my lower shin. I’ve had a broken nose, dislocated fingers, and torn more flesh off my arms and legs than I’d care to remember. I weigh in at 220 even. I shouldn’t be afraid of this 42-year-old player, this… chick.

Should I?

Smell the fear

I stood there at practice on a distant Monday evening, inside the SportsZone on the Northwestside, running laps, doing dynamic stretches and short sprints, warming up. I caught the ball with ease. I almost felt bad about the drubbing I was about to deliver. I wanted to cry out to the dozens of sweaty, heaving females around me, “So, girls, should we play a little shirts on skins?”

But I didn’t. I didn’t make remarks about being the only player wearing a cup. I didn’t ask if they replaced end zone dances with choreographed ballet routines. I didn’t do any smirking once I saw the look in their eyes.

They were smirking at one another, about me. I asked if they all get along, these amateur Amazons, what with all the estrogen in the air.

“It’s no different from anywhere else,” said Priest. “When you have a group of women together, there’s always going to be some conflict somewhere.”

Apart from that, they’re like any football team, filled with prima donna wide receivers, razzle-dazzle running backs, crazy linebackers, single-minded linemen and hurtful, hateful defensive players. The personalities come together to form a unit that will rally around any threatened individual.

Lea Kaszas is one such player, a 25-year-old blond running back who recently moved to Indy and joined the team after being the leading scorer for the Toledo Reign. They call Kaszas “Waterbug,” because she flits back and forth so much.

You might see that as a cute nickname, but I looked at the braces on both her top and bottom teeth as if she were wearing a grill, designed to intimidate. An activities coordinator for a senior home, Kaszas puts in more than a dozen hours of training and weights sessions per week.

“Unlike men, we haven’t played since we were 5, so we’re still learning the fundamentals,” she said. “I’ve played for years, but I’m still learning new things every day.”

Kaszas’ natural game is to cut and spin around the outside, but this year she’s working on going up the middle, running harder, lowering that shoulder. Like most of the women on the team, she played sports growing up, but found tackle football only a few years ago. She instantly fell in love with the camaraderie.

“You have to learn to trust the person next to you,” she said. “You all work together, or it’s not going to work at all.”

Mano a mano

I’m lying on my back. A girl is lying on her back opposite me. A coach is about to toss a ball to one of us.

If she gets the ball, I gotta stop her from getting by me.

If I get the ball, I gotta get up and run through her.

As the ball floats down into my arms, I remember the words of assistant line coach Josette Jackson, warning me about my height.

“Get low,” she said. “You stand tall, and she’s gonna rock you. She’ll knock you up good.”

A pale blur of fear and adrenaline, I leap to my feet and spring past my attacker without a scratch. Easy. That’s right, ladies, out here I’m the galloping gazelle, and I graze only on the tasty green grass of the end zone.

“You’re long-legged, so that’s how you were able to get through,” Jackson later deadpanned. “Ebony is a fantastic defensive player, so we were all surprised you got through.”

Second try. The pigskin falls to my opponent. I rise up, turn, and react too slow. A raging comet of helmet and shoulder pads flies at me, knocking me off my center of gravity. I grab hold, but it’s too late, it’s no good.

“You did a decent job of holding on,” said Jackson, smiling, “but you might have gotten called for holding her face mask.”

Flag. Defense. Five-yard penalty. First down. Dammit.

I decided to bail on practice. My helmet felt too tight, like it was about to split my skull. (At least that’s what I told myself.) Jackson tells me to take some ibuprofen and drink some water. But she isn’t about to coddle my bruised ego.

“Basically, she kept running, and ran through you, overpowered you,” said Jackson, wearing a matter-of-fact smile. “Oh, and I think they were taking it easy on you.”

Let the ladies play

For a so-called football town, the female game has taken a while to catch on in Indy.

The original team in the city was the Vipers, around the turn of the millennium. It lasted only a season, and the Speed took off in 2001. Later came another team, the Indianapolis Chaos, which folded last year. Many former Chaos players, such as Jackson, are now on the Speed.

Leagues come and go. In 2007, the Speed played in the Women’s Professional Football League, which folded. In 2008, the team was in the National Women’s Football Association, which also folded.

But Priest has high hopes for 2009. For one, the Speed joined the National Conference of the newly-formed Women’s Football Alliance, and will play an eight-game season (four home and four away) against regional teams: West Michigan Mayhem, Toledo Reign, Dayton Diamonds and Fort Wayne Flash. In the past, the team had to take buses to Minnesota or North Carolina, leaving after work on Friday night, driving all night.

“Get there Saturday, chill out, play the game, shower, go to the after-party, get back on the bus, get home Sunday,” Priest said. “It made for a very rough Monday.”

It’s also a spring league, which means more spectators on the field at Broad Ripple High School.

“What’s happening in April, after all?” Priest asked. “There’s no competition.”

Larry Pershing coached youth football in Greenwood for 27 years, and played for 14 years himself as a nose tackle and defensive guard, including high school, Air Force, two semi-pro years in Spokane, Wash., and an unsuccessful tryout with the Chicago Bears in 1978. He says the Speed’s athleticismand intensity are first-rate.

“It’s rough. And it gets dirty. There are fights. They’re a lot more ornery than men,” Pershing said. “Sometimes they don’t like listening as much as men do, but that’s OK. I’ve been married 38 years. I’ve learned.”

The most obvious difference in the style of play might be the importance of the quarterback. Female teams might have great wide receivers, but the game comes down to a more basic level, feeding off the running game.

So that’s what they worked on all preseason. As I departed, Pershing watched his charges while a coach boomed: “V Nebraska left Panther power right Rhino zip right!”

I had no idea what that means. I didn’t want to know. I walked out, leaving this world of audibles and slants, dragging my sorry jockstrap out of there.

Indiana Speed vs. Dayton Diamonds

What: Indiana Speed, now Indianapolis’ only female football team, kicks off the 2009 season with its first game in the National Conference of the newly formed Women’s Football Alliance.

When: Gates open at 6 p.m., game at 7 p.m., April 18.

Where: Broad Ripple High School, 1115 Broad Ripple Ave.

Info: (317) 216-5899 or www.indianaspeed.org or www.wfafootball.com.

Tickets: $10 for adults, $5 for seniors and kids 7 to 11, free for kids 6 and younger.