Since I learned she existed about a month ago, there's just one thing that's been bugging me about Sarah Palin.

(Just one?)

OK, there's one really, really vital thing I need to know about her. Where in NRA-hell did she get the names for her children? The McCain people are trying pretty hard to give Palin that all-American-mom reputation, and it's working, except for the dang kids' names. Where are the good biblical names, Sarah?

The name "Trig Palin" even tops the name Jason Lee gave to his son -- Pilot Inspektor. The difference here is simple: Palin runs a state and might help run the country. Jason Lee is paid to wear a handlebar mustache, so it's safe to say the dude doesn't take himself that seriously.

But these names. Track? Bristol? Nymstool? OK, whatever. I made that last one up, but it doesn't sound far off, does it?

Truth of the matter is, I'm jealous. I want to know what my name would be if Sarah had given birth to me.

It was about this time I discovered the political blog "Poli Tsk Tsk Tsk" and its Sarah Palin baby name generator and proceeded to spend the next two hours plugging in names.

And now, for some fun with baby names.

My name would be "McCain Fortress Palin." What?

My mom: "Slicer Mission Palin." She's a forceful Jewish mother, but not that forceful.

Friend/co-worker Nina Mehta: "Geese Whalebone Palin." Problem is, Nina wouldn't stand for that. As a newborn, she would've kicked her lipstick-wearing mother in her hot little shins for naming her that.

Mayor Greg Ballard: "Crunk Petrol Palin." The petrol part works better for his predecessor. Does Ballard even know what the word "crunk" means?

Barack Obama: "Tarp Lazer Palin." Again, what?

John McCain: "Steam Fangs Palin." This one seems to fit. And it gives me a greeeeeat mental image of McCain with fangs and cartoon sizzle marks above his head.

Sarah herself would be ... wait for it ... "Flack Gobbler Palin."

I also tried Hillary Clinton and was excited to learn she'd be "Meat Notgay Palin." Then I noticed I had left out an L in Hil's name. Oh, the disappointment.