A letter of desperation

Gentlemen,

I am fully aware that sometimes we ladies do certain things, or wear certain things that you don’t necessarily understand. We have purses you could fit a midget into, we wear scarves in the summer but wear mini skirts and Ugs (gross) in the winter. We shove anywhere from 3,000 – 5,000 bangles onto our arms, we wear dresses over jeans, and sometimes we wear plaid, polka dots, and stripes all together to account for the most hideous cluster fuck of an outfit you’ve ever seen IN YOUR LIFE. But hell, at least we’re trying!!!!!

You and your guys are planning to go out on a Saturday night and you want to pick up all the fine honeys you meet at classy joints such as Have a Nice Day Café and AlleyCat* and the best you can come up with is a tired pink, purple and gray Affliction shirt?? Not only are YOU wearing it, but all 5 of you are wearing them, leaving ME (the innocent bystander) no choice but to view every shirt from last year’s Spring catalogue. Can’t you at least call your friends so that you can coordinate your outfits? Only ONE of you can be the Affliction boy, then one of you can wear the pink shirt, one of you can wear the Ed Hardy rhinestone deal, and the remaining guy can give himself gelled spikey hair and wear a white and blue striped button down.**

I UNDERSTAND THAT AFFLICTION STANDS FOR ALL THAT IS MANLY AND BEEFY IN THE MEN’S FASHION WORLD DUE TO ITS ROOTS WITH THE UFC. I just can’t handle the amount of beef you’re shoving down my throat at one time.

So in conclusion, I’m still confused as to why Chuck Lidell has become a fashion icon. But if you absolutely must continue to wear the Affliction line, please do not exceed one shirt per group and PLEASE do not think that just because you’re WEARING an Affliction shirt, this now means you are capable of turning Rock Lobster’s dance floor into your own personal octagon.

Cut down on the beef. Broad Ripple will be a better place.

Love,

Kay Jay

• Could be sarcasm
  • If there’s no time to gel, have him throw on a backwards Abercrombie & Fitch hat!