Gaming n00b tries to fit in, but costume fails to impress

I needed a pointy, cartoony beard to complete my Gen Con costume.

Ever the procrastinator, I waited until the day of my little adventure as a gaming "n00b" to worry about my facial hair. I looked at the possible options on my desk: a Sharpie, or the cardboard from a notebook.

I started cutting.

I held it up to my face as Indy.com photographer Michelle Pemberton passed by -- and instantly recognized that I was supposed to be Dr. Orpheus from the Adult Swim Cartoon "The Venture Bros." I felt pretty successful.

Then I showed up at the 'Con last week in my borrowed Halloween costume and noticed very few others dressed up (not counting the Goth folks who might or might not have been in costume). OK, I didn't go on the costume day, but still, I assumed I'd still see more people dressed like Sailor Moon.

So when I saw Jenn Hough, 39, and Alexia Natkin, 29, both dressed as some sort of marine-life creature, I had to make contact.

"When you look at me, what could do I better?" I asked. The two looked me up and down, and seemed apprehensive at first. But they didn't hesitate for long.

There were a lot of things wrong with me, according to the pair:

1. My hair was too plain.

"Your hair is verrrry normal," said Jenn, whose head was covered with a gigantic foam seashell. (Dressed in light pink, she informed me she was a "nautilus."). She took my cardboard beard and helped me put it in my hair for an attention-grabbing feature.

"It's not thinking outside the box," she said. "It's ignoring that the box even exists."

2. I wasn't wearing enough makeup.

"You need different colors," Alexia said. They were both involved in a live-action role-playing game called "There's a Hole in the Middle of the Ocean." So, obviously, they'd be merfolk. Alexia was dressed in blue, a fishnet dangled over her body, with plastic marine life caught in its web.

3. My costume was too uncomfortable.

As I continuously readjusted my long cape while talking to the merfolk, they called me out on the fact that one corner of my amulet was stabbing me in the neck.

"As much as we do crazy costumes, they're comfortable because we're going to be walking around all day," Jenn said.

4. I wasn't sexy enough.

I should wear something "leather, to push it up," according to Alexia, who demonstrated on herself how the leather would, in fact, push it up.

"That'll get you a picture every five feet," she said, with the confidence of someone who's been in a lot of photos. At Gen Con, where there's a girl -- any girl -- she's swamped by dudes wanting pictures.

Wait a second. I was dressed up. So where were my adoring fans? You can bet your sweet wrinkly Yoda I'll be in a corset next year.

For now, though, it was time to move on. I had come to the Indiana Convention Center with my friend from the apartment upstairs, Peggy. Peggy's a mild-mannered teacher who not-so-secretly loves anime and manga. She once dressed up as Princess Mononoke for a similar gaming conference. I knew Peggy would be my Gen-Con guru. She's not a gamer, per se, but a girl who knows her way around a gaming conference.

Peggy and I sat down at a demo for "Falling." It was a "real-time" (read: faster than I can play) card game. The rules seemed simple enough: avoid hitting the ground. I own a Wii, so I'm not completely a n00b when it comes to gaming. Still, I could never quite grasp how to stop falling, so can't really explain the rules. We played the game twice. I'd like to think I would've picked it up if I had one more chance. Maybe?

Costume? Fail. Game? Fail. I knew I couldn't fail at window-shopping through the booths of various gaming schlock. Crowds of people surrounded bins of bright dice and piles of stuffed Cthulhus, perusing pictures of topless mermaids, pirate costumes and real swords. I got stuck for about 15 minutes at the riddle booth, trying to guess an answer to an impossible question before Peggy told me to give up and pushed me toward more anime.

As we walked by the final gamers in the hallway leading out of the convention center, it became pretty apparent that gamers weren't all weird or nerdy. To ourleft was a hot blonde dressed in something bright and tiny, posing for a picture. To my right? A guy in ripped plaid who was trying to coax us into playing his game, "Trailer Park Wars."

"The one with the most pink flamingos wins."