Before you read this, take note:

Prior to this morning, I had never seen an episode of "Walker: Texas Ranger."

I'd seen clips and promos, and I'd heard the Chuck Norris jokes. Like many bandwagoneers, I just joined in the din of elitists who badmouth the show -- but I was a poser.

Today, I posed no more.

"You never know how bad something really is until you watch," the critical thinker in me said. "Make an informed judgment before you badmouth Chuck Norris' show. This thing ran for eight seasons, and will run in syndication until the end of time. How bad could it be?"

[Insert joke about how Chuck Norris will blow holes in my soul with nothing more than his 60-year-old, steely-eyed glance.]

This is the funniest show on television! Poorly choreographed violence, wooden acting, one-dimensional bad guys with names like "Snake," people with firearms tucked in the front of their pants, and (in this particular episode) a giant white buffalo statue that sheds tears.

"What?" Walker asked. "It's crying!" someone says helpfully.

True! This statue of a giant white buffalo, conveniently standing in the town square, is crying. Why? Because some Native American and whitey drug dealers are making mescaline in what appears to be a tool shed full of firearms. They're selling, and kids are buying. And the kids are calling the drug "white buffalo."

Walker: Texas Ranger springs into action!

Everything that happened in every scene was re-explained in the following scene. People drove around, punched each other, ran and hid, and obvious evil music played whenever the villains were on screen (so you could tell they were eeeeeeeevil).

Triumphant music played when Walker and Black Sidekick arrived anywhere, if you're wondering.

No, wait. There's more. "More, you ask?" feigning interest. Yes!

When Walker and Black Sidekick fought the villains right around the 40-minute mark, they sort of flopped into the frame from off screen and tackled them. The melee ensued: Walker kicked one tough, badass Indian in the face a bunch of times and finally said, "Stay down!"

When roundhouses don't work, one needs to bust out the imperative form, without a hint of irony about how a white man beat a Native American into submission. Again.

I won't get into the beating Black Sidekick put on his Indian opponent. I will point out that Black Sidekick works for Walker, not the other way around.

I'm forgetting something. At one point, an old, wise Indian showed up. If I understood this correctly, the statue of the white buffalo was crying because of what the drug dealers were doing to "my people."

Yes, It was "my people" this and "my people" that -- and before my people or any other people start dropping the race card, let me just say this:

Any Native American who appears in a show like this to play a one-dimensional stereotype of his/her people has sold out his people, so I'm making fun of him. He's getting off lightly.

I mean, why go on a show like this and perpetuate stereotypes? You know some uninformed yokel was watching this morning (besides me, thank you) and now his idea of the American Indian is informed by this show. Good lord.

True Confession: I missed some of the show because some chorizo fell out of my burrito, and I was trying to scoop it with the tortilla instead of my fingers. In the end, I had to go with my fingers. I'm not proud.

Anyway, no matter, for they were good enough to recap what I'd missed in the very next scene.

So the wise old Indian put on the requisite regalia and did some chanting and dancing with "his people" or something (Walker was there too, though not dancing -- wet blanket).

Long story longer, the buffalo stopped crying. To support this claim, a woman in the front of the crowd said, "Hey, the buffalo stopped crying!"

I'm pretty sure they mentioned this at least one more time in the next scene. But alas, my burrito was gone, so there was no reason for me to sit in front of the TV any longer.

Instead, I sit in front of the computer now. So much better.