Dear Britney,

Not a day goes by that you aren't aught on camera doing a weird waddle dance in your backyard or running around sans panties or getting your kids taken away from her yet again.

This morning I clicked over to Dlisted.com to find a link to this picture on Jezebel. Followed by this photo on ImNotObsessed.com featuring lots of greasy featuing your extension tracks and kind of bored, maybe sad children being toted around for trick-or-treating in the back of your Benz.

Poor Britney. I do love you. You have provided me with hours of entertainment -- and I'm not talking about when you stab at TMZ.com photogs with an umbrella, shaving your head, getting crummy tattoos, switching outfits with random people, hanging out with Paris and LiLo, drinking to the point of incoherence on New Year's, telling your kids your cigarettes are "mommy's lollipops," not wearing undies again and again and again, and hooking up with random frat dudes who hastily sell your story to Star or In Touch.

Mmmmokay, all that stuff is entertaining, too. But Britney, the entertainment I'm talking about "is Toxic." I'm talking about "Slave 4 U," which, even when I was in a snit of indie rock snobbery, I still found absolutely charming. I'm talking about "Oops, I Did It Again," and "Why Don'tcha Do Somethin?'" I'm talking about cute outfits, punchy backing tracks, highly choreographed dances.

I know that you were pushed into performing from the time you were a wee chit in Lew-ee-see-anna. I've heard that, maybe, just maybe, you were irrevocably spoiled. But I don't think you're a horrible person. You just need a good hair washing, some clothes that fit, a nanny to help with your li'l boo-boos (you have the money, unless K-fed really did blow it all), and some good friends who will be honest with you. Friends who will help you pick out good books to read (not the Kabbalah -- unless you really want to study Jewish mysticism), who will not let you wear hideous clothes that don't cover your bottom; friends who will not let you drink too much to drown the pop star sorrows in which you are surely deeply mired.

Please, Britney. Your new album just dropped, and it's getting mixed reviews; you've only got visitation with your kids. Please take some time to pull yourself together. It's not too late to turn things around.

I believe in you, Britney.

Love, Jenny