I almost burnt down the sex shop today.

Then I held a hilarious headline writing contest with myself.
A woman died tonight in what police say is the HOTTTEST crime scene EVARRR!!!!!

Fetish related death of oversexed Indianapolis woman bolsters support for Abstinence Only Sex Education advocates nationwide.

The facts:
Just another average day at the sex shop, shifting around hooks and hangars full of blow up dolls, making room for the new stock. The new stock, as far as I’m concerned, is stacked on the front counter in neat rows of handcuffs, whips, silk ties, etc. But at some point this arrangement collapsed, and much as the bum next to you on public transportation smells exponentially worse upon shifting his weight in your direction, so too does the plastic case around a polyester blindfold after shifting its weight above an open candle flame.
Who knew?!
Obviously not me.

I mean, cant you just see Anne Marie Tiernon’s straight faced professional cadence:

“In what appears to be a bondage experiment gone horribly wrong, a woman died of asphyxiation today in the flames of a raging sex inferno. Her body was found chained to the counter at [name redacted], a local Indianapolis sex shop. Firefighters are currently working to remove several layers of molten Big John, Man of the Year, and Carmen Luvana French Maid Dolls from the woman’s face in order to obtain a positive identification, or perhaps just to ridicule her further. While police say the crime scene kind of turns them on, they will nonetheless be issuing a report later this week on the positions you and your lover should smother to avoid the same fate.”