There are two types of questions people ask of me while I work, and where I normally cringe to make the following kinds of generalizations in the 21st century, I can say without hesitation that the types of questions asked are distinctly gendered.

First time male shoppers typically ask if I like my job? is my job fun? what’s my favorite toy? what works the best? what gets me most excited?

First time female shoppers typically ask do I ever feel unsafe? do I get a lot of skeevy guys coming through? what does my mother think about me working here? where is the best place to start?

Clearly, male sexuality gets a bad rap, and the women know what’s up. But over time I have learned to differentiate male customers suffering Dude-in-the-Tampon-Aisle Syndrome from actual skeevsters. I believe the male line of questioning is a thin veil to mask any insecurity about receiving absolutely no direction from their wives.

Picking out a toy for a vagina when you don’t have one is a nearly impossible feat. Ladies, I implore you. Go with your man. Who knows. You may both find yourselves drawn to the ball gags and nipple clamps and wouldn’t that be exciting to discover your suburban escapist fantasies are totally in sync! Forget the gazebo. Now you can finally build that dream dungeon you’ve always wanted!

Ideal as this scenario may be, the reality for many is that actual communication about actual desires seems to loom unattainable in the distance, and even agreeing to introduce simple toys to the bedroom in the first place is a major feat for many couples. I get it.

To confirm my two cent analysis, it would seem that the women’s questions project their worst fears and internalized shame. Enter my every-girl appearance, which allows them an opportunity to deconstruct the myth that all sex shops are dripping with venereal disease and crawling with bulge-eyed propositioners. My presence also confirms that the world will not explode if adult mothers everywhere find out that we, adult women, have sex, just like them.

As for the best place to start, try starting with a little patience, compassion, and honesty. The simple act of asking any questions at all means you are well on your way to finding out precisely what you want to know.